Friday, June 17, 2016

Hey Christina Grimmie. \|/

Hey girl! I will be talking about the random thoughts going around in my mind, and I really hope you like it!

Pardon my horrible attempt to imitate your video intro. I never really got the chance to talk to you, so here is me trying to do it in a written form. How are you? I hope you are doing well. At peace, to be more precise.

Wow, this will be tough.

This will be a long brick wall of texts. I've been thinking a lot for the past, I don't know, 48, 72, 96 hours? I've lost track of time. There are just so many things in my mind, and I have to talk to someone. I am bad at talking, so this whole thing will all be here and there, unorganized and most probably not mean a damn thing for anyone. I am sure you would listen to me and appreciate it, though.

I am pretty sure you are confused as to what is happening right now, and why you are being showered by thoughtful prayers and kind messages. You had been telling us fans for years on how our support and ourselves meant so much for you, and now we are letting you know how much you mean to us. Just so you know, the whole world is celebrating you and your wonderful life and career. You opened up to us, as in such a short period of time, you pursued your dream, achieved a lot of success and inspired countless, myself included, to do what they love and never stop doing it. Your videos and music touched way more hearts than any could ever imagine, with great meanings and relatable stories.

I hate using past tenses on you.

Okay, you probably have already known by now. Even if you weren't aware of what had happened, I'm sure most of those prayers I talked about earlier have made it pretty clear. I myself was and still am having a hard time understanding and accepting this, but from what I've learned, here's how it went.

2016, June 10th, Plaza Live, Orlando, Florida. You were performing with Before You Exit. Right after, you went to sign autographs for roughly 120 fans. Among them was Kevin Loibl. It was his turn to meet and greet you. As you were accepting him with open arms, enthusiastic to give another one of your fans a hug, he suddenly pulled out a gun and shot you three times, at least. Some said you were shot in the head, I don't know. Your big bro, Mark, tackled him down. Amidst the struggle, Kevin shot himself in the head, taking his own life in the process. Chest compressions were administrated on you in attempt to save your life, and shortly after you were taken to the Orlando Regional Medical Center in critical condition.

Some time early June 11th, you were announced dead. At the age of 22 years and just a day short of 3 months old.

Yes, I am trying to talk to a dead person in written form.

That was insensitive. My bad. I knew you as a humorous girl with a wonderful comical sense, but I don't know if you were into dark humor. Worth a shot, I guessed. Let's not do that again.

Now, I can't speak for the rest of the world, but as we are celebrating your life and career that were sadly cut short, I am also saddened, mourning and grieving over your death. Going to sleep drenched in tears every single night, hoping that I would wake up tomorrow morning and this would all be just a very long, scary dream. But no, it really happened.

Am I being foolish by mourning and grieving for someone who have never even met me? Be honest.

There's a 12-hour difference between the US and my hometown. If it's Monday 10:00 pm over there, it would be Tuesday 10:00 am where I'm living. That being said, I woke up late in the afternoon on Saturday, my time. Around 3:30 pm, I would guess. First thing I checked was Twitter, and I saw a tweet by Chrissy Constanza of the band Against The Current ranting about securities in small concerts or something along the line. She has since deleted the tweet. Anyway, I didn't give much thought about the tweet at first, but I checked out her profile anyway.

"I can't even process this. I'm so sorry @TheRealGrimmie. This is too f*cking close to home," she tweeted.

I censored the bad word. I take it you didn't cursed much, did you? I respect that, so I won't. Throughout this little talk, I will refrain from using bad words.

Anyway, Chrissy continued in another tweet, "God, what the f*ck is happening?"

Now I'm using God's name in vain. Great. I've been racking up a bunch of negative points with you so far, haven't I?

Anyway (again. Told you this will be long), I was getting worried, but just a tad bit. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right? My most extreme thought at that point was, I don't know, maybe someone jumped onstage and groped you or something? I mean, sure, that's messed up, but certainly it's not too bad, right? So I typed your name into Google, and the first suggestion that popped up still haunts me to this day.

"Christina Grimmie died" was the top suggested search term.

Whoa.

Nahh, that's gotta be a prank from years before. You know, like that time when those online trolls would make something like "RIP Lady Gaga" trend worldwide? Yeah, like that or something. Screw that. I Googled your name. You know, hatred is not cool, but I really strongly disliked the vibe that the top search result gave me.

"In the news: Former Voice contestant Christina Grimmie shot dead in Orlando - BBC News."

All of a sudden, I was seconding Chrissy's tweet. "What the hell is happening?" was repeatedly ringing in my mind, in my heart. It is the fasting season for Muslims, but my stomach is twirling like crazy, and it's not because of the lack of food.

It hit me so hard. Not instantly, not then and there, but slowly and painstakingly, it hit me hard. It is still hitting me to this day. And I didn't (still don't) understand anything that happened, or anything that went awry in my mind. The whole situation was unreal. It couldn't be real. It's like leaving a room in the coziest form ever, and coming back a minute later with just too many things misplaced. No, it's not even like that. I don't have the right words in my vocabulary to describe what it was like.

If I'm not mistaken, reports claimed that you were shot around Friday 10:30 pm, Orlando time. Orlando Police confirmed your death in a tweet Saturday 2:51 am.

It bothers (present tense, see?) me so much that I never get to meet you, to talk with you, to laugh along with you, to watch you perform, to applaud you in person, to just see you and your cheerful, happy, outgoing, overall lovable character with my own two eyes, even from a distance, and not just through your Youtube channel, and to thank you and tell you how much I appreciate you. But to not even be able to pray for your life in the very most dire moments of your life? It hurts me so much. It pains me. It discombobulates me. It eviscerates me. Gut-wrenching. So wrenching.

I am so sorry.

I know you would tell me to not be sorry. You were the most... I don't know. I could muster up all the positive adjectives I've ever known into a ball to describe your heart, and it would not do you justice. You are one of the most beautiful hearts that I ever have the pleasure to know. Ever. Your faith makes you one of the strongest human beings in the world. I know for a fact that you are okay with everything happened. God loves you more than any of us. If God wants this to happen, then this is the best thing that could happen. You wouldn't be sorry, you wouldn't regret a single thing, and you wouldn't want us to regret or feel sorry. I just can't help but to be sorry. My heart aches and breaks for you. I'm sorry.

Let's brighten up this talk a bit, okay? Let's talk about how I got to know you.

Every time I watched any videos, your "Party in the USA" cover would pop up in the recommended section. I would be like, "What? zeldaxlove64? What a goofball. Who listens to Miley Cyrus anyway?"

Yup, I don't play Zelda. I have never played it. To this day, not even once. I know, there goes all of my credits as a human being. What have I been doing all my life?

I don't really remember why I decided to give you a chance, but some of your videos I watched first were the "Grenade" and "Rolling in the Deep" covers. And I immediately fell in love. You were a vocal powerhouse! So amazing! The way those fingers of yours were hitting the keys. I was so amazed. The covers were far from perfect, though, but that's what attracted me to them the most. You were pitchy here and there. You played the wrong chords, hit the wrong keys. Your imperfections won me. I'd take you over all those over-produced covers in a heartbeat! Since then, you were my go-to Youtube artist.

And no, that Sonic poster on your wall was not one of the reasons I loved you. I never played Sonic either. I know, I know.

Sadly, "over-production" was one of the reasons I never watched your "Just a Dream" cover with Sam Tsui. I grabbed onto it though after that horrible incident the other day. So rad. I should've watched and listened to it years ago. Another thing is I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was when you did the Paramore medley. I am a huge fan of theirs.

Oh, and before I forget. The Hair Tutorial! That's when I first saw you as a cool person to be around with, without even being around you. Your puffy hair, "The Poof", "The Grimmie" as you jokingly calles it, was definitely one of the main reasons I became a fan!

I'm not making a run to be your number one fan or anything. I'm as casual as a fan could be. Over the past couple of years, I have been quite estranged from your Youtube channel. Whenever you popped on my subscription box, yeah sure, I'd click and give it a watch. But if I missed it, I wouldn't try to catch up with it. I mean come on, I subscribed to over 100 channels, and yours starts with a "Z". I would have to scroll down to the very bottom to find it. But I did, however, vote for you in those contests you're in. The Coca-Cola one, the IHeartRadio one, yeah. In fact, you followed me on Twitter because I voted for you on the IHeartRadio contest!

You took your time responding to my tweets and even followed me. You didn't have to, but you did anyway and for that, I am forever grateful. Sorry for spamming your Twitter feed with a bunch of wrestling stuff! You were such a personable human being. You had always stay grounded. You were awesome.

I was so happy when I found out that you auditioned for The Voice. Four chair turns, so sick. I don't really watch TV, but I kept up-to-date with your progress and ripped the iTunes release of your performance off of Youtube (I'm such a cheapskate), up until you secured the 2nd runner-up spot. I was so happy for you. Finally, it's happening. You're taking over the whole music industry! Surely nothing could go wrong.

Well, something went wrong, alright. So wrong, in fact.

I want to elaborate on the things I love about you, but this has already been a lengthy post, and I haven't even begun to talk about the things bothering my thoughts in recent days (minus the whole "sorry" part, but you feel me). So let's go. We'll get back to this somewhere down this post, I bet you.

Now, back to the gloomy bit. Your death.

The absolute worst happened to one of the best things in my entire life this past weekend. I'm not saying this because you're no longer here. I mean it. You were one of the best things in my life. The most talented artist of this generation. Too late for me to realize all this, I guess. It's true what we've all been saying again and again, "you never know what you've got until it's gone".

I just can't help but to think of your family at this time being. I know they are just as faithful and strong as you were and they are probably doing okay by now, or at most some time soon. But it must be horrible for them. I'm not going to pretend like I knew you so well, but I grew up constantly watching you and you opened up so much to me, and it's impossible to not feel so close to you. These probably aren't the best words to describe how this whole thing bothers me way too much more than I would have ever expected, and I didn't expect anything like this to happen at all, but I hope you understand that you're just as important to me as, if not way much more than, all your fans meant to you. And I'm not even remotely related to you. I can't imagine how your family is feeling. I'm really sorry for them, and for you.

I will never be a mother. Hell, I am so far away from even being a father. However, I know for a solid fact that no mother should ever be in the unfathomable position of having to bury her daughter. Especially not one who has lived through breast cancer three times and is witnessing her daughter living her dream. Plus, your mom was absolutely not okay with you putting videos on Youtube at first. You mentioned in an interview, she used to tell you to get off the internet before some creepy man comes and tries to track you down. I know she's a woman of faith, like you, and I'm sure she'll get through this just fine, but it's really hard to imagine how rough she's been feeling. Regardless, my heart goes out to your mother, Tina.

And for a brother who had to witness his sister's death and the killer's suicide up-close, that's just so messed up. Mark's actions were absolutely heroic, and despite his efforts you still died. He must have felt so powerful, then so powerless. No matter how well he responded that day, at some point he must be thinking, "I should have been paying more attention". Yes, he couldn't have known it, and he couldn't have done more, but this whole situation would always haunt him. Seeing videos of him at your vigil makes me believe that he is at a great peace right now.

Not taking anything away from your father, Bud, who was the one encouraging you to put up your videos online in the beginning. And the rest of your whole family, and your friends, and fellow fans. This is all just one big ball of horrible mess.

And you. Why would anyone wanna do such horrible thing to you? For all I know, you were just one kind, faithful, beautiful human being who was doing what you have always loved doing. A wonderful daughter and sister, a best friend to many, and a tremendous role model to everyone, young and old. And I did not just refer to a physical beauty by calling you "beautiful". I'm talking about mental beauty, spiritual beauty, honestly, your whole character and characteristics were built up of millions and millions of the very common denominators of beauty. And you were so talented, and so humble, and so young. So young! A heart as pure and as faith-fueled as yours does not deserve to stop beating at 22. With every bit of honesty that I could ever possess, you should have outlived me by at least 40 years, even if I am to be blessed to live long enough and be 100. You're almost too good to be real.

You were too good to be real. I guess that's why your death seems just so unreal to me.

This whole mess, it hits me so hard, but the fact that you're no longer with us hasn't hit me yet. I would be hearing your songs, your voice in my head every now and then, and innocent thoughts would randomly pop up, like "I can't wait to one day meet you and personally thank you for making all this great music", "I wonder what your next cover will be", "you will conquer the music industry one day, I promise you"... Every few minutes I would have to take a couple of deep breaths, as I am reminded that you are no longer here and I would feel so gutted. It's almost like living in a huge body of water, only to drown every few moments and be forced to swim up and suck up all the air my lungs could ever contain, and repeat. No, it's worse than that, I believe. Take that feeling, a multiply it by a larger factor, and multiply it again. It is horrible.

You had so much potential. I didn't idolize you that highly, and I've had many other bigger idols passing away over the years. I am a huge pro wrestling fan. Some of my favorites were Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit and Daniel Bryan. You probably didn't recognize any single one of these names. Eddie died of a heart failure, Chris sadly took his own life after murdering his wife and son (okay, probably not the best example here), while Daniel is still living healthy but was forced to retire due to severe post-concussion symptoms. All these men left their industry (and excluding Daniel, the world) after hitting their prime, after winning the world championship, after having their huge WrestleMania moments (WrestleMania is pretty much the Superbowl of wrestling, but on a global scale). But you? You were way too far away from your prime. You'd barely even started. You had ridiculously so much unrealized potential. You worked too hard, only to have it cut short. No, not just your work, and not just your potential. Your whole life was cut short. It's not fair. It's simply not fair.

How exactly did Kevin get a bag carrying not one, but two guns, plus two fully-loaded magazines and a hunting knife, past security? And why would he do such thing to you? Why would anyone even have the slightest thought of doing such thing to you? You're not even controversial. All you ever did were putting your own amazing twist on already famous songs, writing some awesome, meaningful and relatable songs of your own, and entertaining and inspiring millions of followers and subscribers.

There are some theories going around about why Kevin did this. One, because he was a super crazy fan who really wanted you. It's either the classic "If I can't have you, no one will" story, or the "Now that you and I are dead, we can finally be together" one. Either way, it's creepy. Theory two, he killed you because you were publicly known and identified as a devout Christian. So it could be a religion thingy. Regardless of his motive, I am quite positive that you are not angry or even slightly pissed off with him. You were a girl of faith, and you believe in forgiveness. Everyone is calling him a coward, throwing dirty words and expletives on his name, but I haven't. I'm sure you would forgive and even feel sorry for him that he didn't get the help that he desperately needed, and accept this as a fate that God has decided for all of us. That's how faithful and kindhearted I truly believe you were. Just another reason I'm so upset that you're gone. And if you wouldn't be mad, how could I bring myself to hate him?

A heart of a woman, and a faith like a child.

And speaking of faith. When it comes to my religion, I am quite ignorant. I am pushing so hard to be better, but I'm barely progressing. At one point in my life, I was almost hitting the very rock bottom. Around that time, you came to my life. Above and beyond your massive love for music and video games, was your love for Jesus. Your faith. You loved Jesus. Until your last breath, you sang for Jesus. I was so enamored of your faith. It's not about religions, it's not about good deeds. It's just pure faith. While I am fully aware that we believe in separate entities (I am a Muslim and I worship Allah, while you were a devout Christian), I have always looked up to your faith. It is the biggest reason I adored, idolized and loved you, and by God I mean this, I still and will always love you. You made me see how faith is so important in our lives. You gave me hope in your own unique ways. You embodied faith. You personified faith.

I once discussed the difference between jealousy and envy with one of my best friends. We agreed that jealousy is "Wow, he has that thing. I wish I could have that, too", while envy is "Wow, he has that thing. I should have that, and he shouldn't". We agreed that while envy is a huge sin, jealousy could be good. It makes you want to better yourself. And that was what I have over you. Jealousy. I wish I could have a faith as strong as you. You changed the way I see this world. I am so far away from being even a fraction as faithful as you, but you helped me find faith in my darkest days, and I couldn't thank you enough for that.

You might not be a literal angel, but you will always be an angel to me. Sadly, I didn't get to thank you in person, face-to-face, and it's a regret that I will bear for a very long time, but I still want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

These are my thoughts, and thoughts are not facts. I could be wrong anywhere throughout this post, so I hope I'm not being blasphemous or anything of that extreme by saying all this.

I don't know how God works. [REDACTED] Just as much as you had me and the rest of your fans in your prayers, I will keep you in mine.

Now, let's talk about some other random things. Hopefully, it will help me get over your death.

I love how you purposely misspelled words. Like how you'd spell "yu" instead of "you", and "rawwk" instead of "rock". My favorite, though, is how you spell "fans" as "frands". It's the term of affection you used to abridge the rift between us fans and yourself. You thought calling us "fans" would be degrading, like "Oh, I'm on a pedestal". You were so thoughtful, so down-to-earth, so personable. Your two feet were always on the same ground as everyone else. Such a ridiculously commendable quality.

Speaking of commendable qualities, I have been binge-watching your videos for days. Can't help but to notice how all your videos contain phrases like "Hey guys!" "Hope you guys like it! "Bye!" Sure, it's like a systematic plot for all your vids, but you sounded so sincere every single time. Sincerity is so underappreciated these days.

Can we stop and appreciate the Triforce of Christina for a second? Food, music and video games, and above all, all these connected into one - Jesus. It does not sound corny at all, silly. I'd replace video games with pro wrestling, and Jesus with Allah for my Triforce. Wait, Triforce is a Zelda thing, right? Remind you, I never played Zelda. I know, I know.

You would be so happy if you could see your Wikipedia page right now. Some people took their time re-organizing everything, and it looks too sweet. If we could close one eye on things like "Christina Victoria Grimmie was an American singer and songwriter" and the whole "Death" section, it would be perfect. Now, I wonder, had you ever checked out you own Wiki page, or Googled your own name? Be honest.

I love the Rawwk Finger introduction video. I'm not sure if it trended, but I'll surely be throwing it on a daily basis from now on. \|/

I just made a special playlist, with all your officially released songs, plus almost every song you had put up on Youtube. I had to rip a lot of videos off your channel and convert them to mp3 files. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't mind me doing that. I remember you told us that you uploaded your albums on Youtube and Spotify to allow us who couldn't afford them enjoy them. I had to search far and deep for the covers you set to private, but another Youtube user has uploaded all your covers on their channel and made it pretty easy. I left out some of your Christmas songs for religious reasons (you'd understand, above anyone else), and included your "With Love" performance at The Voice season 7 because it was phenomenal and just warms my heart. I had to balance the audio level of each video and cut some parts, and I was left with 8 hours, 28 minutes and 54 seconds of tear-jerking music. Why did I do this to myself? Oh, the playlist was purposely comprised of 149 songs, with the number 149 representing the phrase "I miss Christina". Am I the sweetest human being in the world or what?

Does posthumously talking to you make me as much of a creep as Kevin? I hope not.

Was that dark humour? Darn it. I thought I said we weren't doing that again.

A direct quote from you: "I'm a very strong believer. I grew up in the church. I grew up having a belief in Christ, and I do. But it's a relationship for me, you know. I take it very seriously. I've never really been that kind of person that wants to shove it in your face. You know what I mean? That doesn't mean I don't like to live it out, because obviously I do, but I've never been like "You have to believe what I believe!" You know? I just speak on it and then, like, just kinda leave it up to God at that point. I'm not like, "I'm trying to sell you something!"" One of the main reasons I will forever love you. I hope I can be at least half as faithful as you, with respect to my religion.

Let's keep it random, shall we?

Your favourite foods were ravioli and your mum's chicken pot pie.

Your final video ended up being the one where you convinced people to join you in support of the HSUS in the Charity Champions League. You really loved animals, didn't you? I hope Chloe's doing fine.

You would take a sweaty day over a freezing day, any day. I guess we are polar opposites, then. Hah! Get it? "Polar"? "Freezing"? ... I'll see myself out.

Just got word that your funeral will take place at the place you family had always attended before you moved to LA, the Fellowship Alliance Chapel, on Friday, June 17th. Exactly a month before my 23rd birthday.

Oh, speaking of final videos. Your final cover on Youtube was "Let It Go", a collaboration with Before You Exit. Eerie. But then again, most of your covers and even original compositions have words that would sound so eerie today. I'd talk about them, but you knew your own words better than I do.

You thought guitar was the instrument you're least good at. Hah, funny. That's the one I'm most good at, but to this day I only play power chords. At one point, you inspired me to record myself playing along to songs and put it up on Facebook. Thankfully, I have deleted all those videos and no one has to suffer through watching me playing in front of my super crappy quality mobile phone camera again. By the way, I think you were a far better player than me.

Green and orange were your favourite colours.

The biggest piece of advice your dad has ever given you was "Never be embarrassed or afraid to be single".

I always speak fondly of those who I truly adore, especially to my mummy. And I told her about you. See where I'm going with this? "I have never ever met a girl that made me feel the way that you do... So I went to tell me my mama about you." Hah! See what I did there? That was clever and quite smooth, admit it.

I don't care what anyone else says. "With Love" is the greatest pop album ever. I love the old school vibe. Too bad it's just your first and only full album. You titled your final EP "Side A" because it would mean that a "Side B" was likely to follow. You also wished to release another full album by the end of this year. Oh, to think of what could have been.

Your nose flared when you sang? I never noticed.

Another direct quote: "What I'd like to do in my career is just inspire people to be great in anything that you so choose. To be good role models too, and that's actually one of my main goals. I want to be a very good role model for people. I mess up here and I mess up there, but at the end of the day, it comes down to your character. Just don't give in to all the bull that you hear in the world. What really matters is that you're happy with yourself, and the only way to be happy with yourself is to just not care... You know what? I got used to it because I know that people are struggling with that same problem. That's the message I want to get across to people. It's that, like, be yourself and have a good time, and like, you know, who cares what the bullies say about you... If I could say anything to the people that are watching this right now, or listening to my music for the first time, or anything like that, I would probably say that I just want you guys to know how important that you actually are. I just want people to know that. Be stupid, be dumb, be funny. If that's who you are, don't try to be someone that society wants you to be. That's stupid. So be yourself." Goals achieved, accomplished and fulfilled. Congratulations. Your whole life was very worth living and you couldn't have lived it any better. I'm so proud of you.

Your go-to coffee order was Starbucks, grande or venti, iced hazelnut macchiato, or caramel, but preferably hazelnut. I've never ordered at Starbucks before, but I'll give it a try someday. When I'm employed and have money in my wallet and bank accounts. Please pray for me and my job-seeking adventure.

You really liked thriller and horror movies, but you thought you shouldn't, because you always liked the chills about it but not the really not good plotlines. I'm a horror enthusiast too, just so you know, especially for the really bad plots. You suggested "The Pact", calling it a really good fright. I promise you, I will not watch anything until I get my hands on "The Pact". Except your videos, of course. I wanna watch all of them, all over again.

You had this really bad habit since a little girl where you'd bite the heck out of your nails. and you didn't know why, it just happened. Hey, two for two! I'm a nailbiter too.

Writing and talking to you has been very therapeutic thus far. I'm no longer feeling as bad as I was over the past few days. You'd want me to move on and smile, right? So I will.

An update on Kevin. Apparently he had hair transplants, Lasik eye surgery and even went vegan to lose weight, all to win your affection and someday marry you. Then his co-workers teased him, telling him you already had a boyfriend, using your Instagram posts with your producer, Stephen Rezza. So turns out it is the good old "if I can't have you, no one will" thing. I still don't understand how this all happened. You know, let's not talk about this.

You'd rather control traffic than weather, and you'd rather be able to teleport than to breathe underwater. Had to beat the LA traffic, eh?

"When you're happy, that's when you know you believe in something and you know you've stood for something."

You'd rather go back in time and move time backwards because you don't wanna ruin anything for the future. Oh, how I wish we could.

You'd rather give up your cell phone than your car.

Is it obvious that I am watching random interviews, picking random bits out of them and trying to drag this talk, when I have absolutely nothing else to talk about?

I want to talk to you forever. I don't want this to end. I've been typing this for days and I've still got a lot left to say to you, but I'm at a loss for words now. I never got the chance to talk to you, and I don't know if I will ever get another chance to. Please, I don't want this to end.

This is ending, isn't it?

Okay, final words.

I am wholeheartedly sorry if I am making this more of my own tragedy rather than yours. I don't know, this whole thing is hitting me so hard. I have been saying that over and over again, but only for the lack of better words. I never realized how close two persons could emotionally connect only through a camera lens and a 14-inch monitor. Honestly, I wasn't following you that closely by the time you left us. Now I see that you hadn't been uploading covers since New Year's Eve, minus that Before You Exit collab last month, which I probably missed its notification back then, so that explains a bit. You have been more than a wonderful role model for me. You and your videos and your music were there both in my darkest and brightest hours. You mean (present tense, see?) so much to me.

I was wondering for days, about how losing someone who had never even met me could affect me this much, and now I see it. You were not just a musician, a singer, an artist and an inspiration. You were my friend. You still are, and you will always and forever be. And not just mine. You've probably touched, like, all the 3 million plus Youtube subscribers the way you've touched me, and you should be proud of that. And as much as we all love you, God is loving, and He loves you more than any of us. He must have planned something very special for all of us, and who are we to doubt Him?

"Sometimes God allows terrible things to happen in your life and you don't know why. But that doesn't mean you should stop trusting Him."

Will I ever get to meet you? Will I ever get to talk to you again? I don't know, but I know and I fully understand that you might not be hearing and listening to all these words I just wrote. I know. It's just make believe. And that's how faith sparks. From making believe, to truly believing. I'm just letting you be the catalyst for me finding my faith again, just like you were years ago. One more time. One last time. Thank you for being my angel, one last time.

I've learnt so much from what happened this past weekend. I take things, a lot of them, for granted. Everything here in this world is not mine, and it's not permanent. It's temporary, and one day, sooner or later, God will either claim it back, or claim me back. I need to drop my ego. Not just with the people around me, from friends to families, but also with Him. When was the last time I turned to my mother and told him that I love him, and that I appreciate everything that he's been and done for me? My father? My big bro? Or God? I often have trouble showing appreciation to those I appreciate most. I missed my time with Christina, but I still have time to do this with everyone else.

My main goal in my life right now is to get a job and give back to those near me. Then I will do my best to travel and seek my friends and family and even my idols, and tell them right in their faces, "Hey, I appreciate you," all while rebuilding and reclaiming my faith to God. This will be tough, but people are not born strong. People grow stronger, little by little, encountering difficult situations and not running away from them. I'm not perfect, but I believe faith will really take me far in this world.

We are a short few hours away from Christina Victoria Grimmie's funeral.

My thoughts are with the Grimmie family in these grieving times. Christina, although you left way too soon, you have done so much more than I would ever have done in even triple the time. My heart and mind still go out to you for the time being, and my thoughts and prayers will always be with you. You either get some well-deserved rest or you watch over me, you silly goofball. Rawwk in peace and power. \|/

Yur somewhat rawwkworthy frand,
\|/ Noorel Yaqin \|/

Finally, my long-awaited attempt to imitate your video outro.

BYE!!

*dramatic beats*

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