Frictional Blog 16 [The Tell-All Edition]

BAAAMM!!!

I tweeted earlier today that I'll tell it all. Well, here goes. Let's do this.

Some say I am a good guy, a heck of a good person, of a gentleman. Some say I am a genius. And then there are people who think that I am a self-centered egomaniac who doesn't have the courage to admit my flaws. If you are of any one of the groups listed above, well then you are wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. And wrong. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a clever guy. I'm not that self-centered. Ask those who know me. They would tell you people of how humble I am. But I'm not here to talk about my humbleness. Nor am I talking about me being good or a genius. I would like to take this time to tell it all. Yes, all of it. All of my weaknesses. My ignorance. My flaws. I've become what a mother wouldn't want in a son. Of course, she never told me that, but I can pretty much guess it. Let's talk about that.

Now of course, there isn't enough time for me to write everything here, but I'll do my best to put up some of my biggest mistakes in my life here. And here's one of them. Back when I was 7 years old, I've almost lost my ability to walk, due to a severe dislocation on my right patella (that's the kneecap) that kept me out of school (and the outside world) for roughly 4 months. My family, especially my mother, has been more than helpful throughout that time and up until this day. And thanks to them, to her and to Allah SWT (God), I am now still able to be walking on this little planet called Earth. But I take it for granted. I don't give even the minimal amount of damn to my well-being. I don't keep a good care to my health. I am an ingrate. An ignorant person. I'm a bad guy.

And then there's the year 2010. Also known as a year I wish I never lived in. Damn regret. I'm still trying to forget. Around this time, I was in a relationship that I currently treat as a nonexistent. Don't ask why. Well, my mother has repeatedly told me to NOT involve myself in any sorts of relationship. I'd end up hurting, she said. And guess what? I heed that advice. Like the ignorant person that I am. Hahh. And now I'm hurting. Hahh. Stupid. And even worse, do you guys remember that Paramore was coming to KL on October 19? Yes, I was there. With my then-girlfriend. But at what cost? Well, my mother's well-being. My mother had, and is still having, a sickness called Paraumbilical Hernia. And by that time she was about to have her second (if I'm not mistaken) operation due to a re-exaggeration of her hernia. My ex-girlfriend didn't have enough money to afford the tickets, so my mother gave her the money that was supposed to be used for the operation's bill. So the operation was off. And guess what? My mother even followed along me to Mid Valley when I was going to buy the tix, because she didn't want anything bad to happen to me. So the concert went well. My mother? Not so much. She went to a condition that has never been worse in her life. Ever. It pains and hurts me to say that I have seen my mother screeching in pain on her mattress (we don't sleep on beds in my home) as if she's dying. And yet I decided to go to a Paramore concert with a girl who was in a relationship with me for merely eighteen months! I risked my mother's life! I know I have promised to not curse on my blog ever again, but screw it! Screw it! All of it! Screw it all! I regret it! I am disappointed with myself! And trust me when I say this; I do regret more than I am admitting right now. I'm a bad guy.

And yes. We've come to the final stop before I end this blog, which will be my final blog before I head into my final exam and subsequently leave my college on April 26, but not before I do something that will change my life forever, but nonetheless. Well, throughout my nearly nineteen years of wasted life, my mother has been asking for only one thing. She's been asking for something that would make her the happiest mother in the world. She wants me to pray. Not that hard. 5 minutes per run, 5 runs per day. Simple enough right? Well, not for me. It's not that I couldn't do it. I was too lazy to do it. I rarely pray. Hell, "rarely" is an understatement. I almost never pray. Even until I entered college. Then this guy under my hostel room, who is also my practicum mate, would ask me to join him to the mosque. I would join him, which basically means that I would pray, only if this guy was inviting me to. There is this one word that can be used to describe me. Hypocrite. Nuff said. And then I went to a downward spiral, and I hit the rock bottom. I had come to a point where I felt and believed that my life was meaningless. So I took the initiative to text my newly-found sister, which has been mentioned numerous times in my blog. I asked for what could be described as a counselling session with her. And that was when my life started an out-of-the-world change.

With just one line, my newly-found sis has changed me. What did she say? "Pray to Allah SWT (God), because He always hears you". Since then, I have never missed a single prayer. Ever. And then I remember the first time I went back home after that counselling session, and perform a prayer in my room. My mother caught me. She was happy. Never been any happier. That was when I see, clearly, what I want to do, to achieve in my life. My mother's happiness. Many ways to do that, for sure. But right now, I wanna talk about one. Just now I mentioned about how my mother told me to not involve myself in any relationship. She wanted, and still wants, me to feel love the way it should be. She wants me to marry someone, then falls in love with the one. Because that's the only way for me to own the right to love and be loved by the person. The way it should be. And that's the way I am going with. But who? She's the person who is able to make my mother happy with just a single line and no intentions at all, while I was struggling to find a direction in life yet has never even contemplated on making my mother happy. Yes, I'm talking about the person I referred to as my "newly-found sister". But here's the problem. She is a good person. She is a very good person. She is a very great person. I, on the other hand, am the worst person that you could have ever met (that is, if you have ever met me). She's very religious. I, on the other hand, am religiously blind. I can't even read the Al-Quran properly. She doesn't deserve me. I don't deserve her. We do not belong to be on the same page. Hell, we do not even belong in the same damn library! She has a bright future ahead of her. I won't kill it. That is why I can't do it.

But I will.

I will do it.

I will change, for the better. For her. For my mother. For myself. For God.

And by the end of my college run, I will tell her about my intention on bringing my mother to meet her mother.

Hopefully, I can do something right this time.

And that's why I am writing this. I need all of your support. No, I'm not asking for money or anything. I just want you to pray for me. So that I can be one of, if not, the best in the world at what I do. Only this time, I would be doing something right. Pray for it. For the best of me. For the best of my newly-found sis. For the best of my mother. Please Allah, please my God. Give us the best in the world. Make it easy.

This is my last post before I leave my college on April 26. Expect me to be back right after that. And on that note, until next time. Make sure you'll be there.

All of the Glory be to God.
Faith. Follow that.
Frictional Blog.