Let me be the first to tell you that I am pathetic. YES! Yes, I am. After months of build-up, all I have to do is to just speak and tell. But I didn't do exactly that. Let's talk about that.
Guess what? My college run has ended, like, 2 weeks ago. Yeah, time flies when you. Always remember though, to keep your 2 feet on the ground regardless of how high you are flying. Oh-kay, that makes no sense, neither relates to my topic. Blah blah blah. But then again, I don't really know what's the point of this post, so I'll keep on writing with no direction until I stray far enough and decide to publish this. Yes, back to the stem of this paragraph. Supposedly, I wanna (well, have to, NEED TO) tell something to someone (refer to my previous post). It's not that big of a deal though. ......ahh, who am I kidding? It is a big deal. The biggest deal I have ever made (supposedly) in my life. So I was getting ready. Very ready. Never have I been readier in my life. And then it never happened. Never. Ever. Well, we had our final exam paper in different halls, which made it a bit harder to meet her. And then she had a lot of things to be settled that day. And then I tried to consult with her so that she would lend me some of her precious, valuable time to hear something that I had been keeping in and wanting to get off my chest. However, her brother reached there a bit early, and she told me to tell her whatever it is that I wanted to tell her on Facebook, and you know I most probably won't do it there, so basically my speech of declaration was just not meant to be. Cue the tears. :_(
It's just sad, guys. Disappointing. I really wanna do this, you know. I really have to do this. But then, it seems like I am incapable of doing it. For once, I wanna do things the right way, but I just can't. It sucks. It sucks so bad. It so totally scrapes the bowel of sucktitude. I never wanted anything, anyone so badly. I don't wanna, you know, not do this. But there are just too many things not letting me do it. One of which is my doubt. I am super-doubtful right now. Well, I am almost certain that her response would just be either a "No" or a combination of a beautiful smile and going off without leaving me a single clue, hint or even word. A part of me says that it's okay. After all, I myself said once before, that I just simply wanna do this and I would take anything as an answer. The other part of me, though, is telling me that I should not do it, because I don't really wanna hear "No" as her answer. As I mentioned earlier, I never wanted anything so badly. I want her so much, and that is just not right. The reason I wanted to do this in the first place is to do something that would make my mother proud. "Life is a long journey," said my newly-found-sister-turned-crush. There are lots of other things for me to do. This particular thing right here can be pushed aside first, I guess. Maybe I can do it when I am REALLY ready; when I have TRULY changed. "Now" does not seem like the right time.
And there's another thing. As I said just now, she is my newly-found-sister-turned-crush. The emphasis is on the word "sister" here. Yeah. We are just good friends, but she always treats me as her little brother. And as a brother, to tell your "sister" that you like her is just...... not cool...... you know? It's just not right. She won't like it. I know it. She respects me like a sibling, and I know she wants the feeling to be mutual. For me to ask for something different when she is giving me something else is just so messed up. What's my point again? Oh well, whatever, never mind. See, here's the thing. I love my mother, and would do anything to give her the best. Especially the best son that she could possibly have. But I realized that I was a bad son. This girl who I have always respected like she is a sister to me has inadvertently initiated a change in me. This girl gave me a reality check, or so to say. I am turning good, or at least better than my former self. And then I wanna give my mother the best present ever, in this girl. Not now, of course. Maybe 5, 6 years later. I don't have the right to love this girl, but I really like her. But this is not about me liking her (although I do like her so much). This is about the massive amount of respect that I have for her. I respect her so much that I don't even know if I should do this. I won't regret saying this thing that I'm saying, but is it better than keeping my mouth shut and just go without saying it? By the way, tomorrow is her 20th birthday. Happy birthday! Age is just an increasing number. You will be forever young. Cue the smiley. =)
Oh, and as I said (posted) in Frictional Blog 8,
And I think that's all for today. Before you leave, check out all my other posts (especially Frictional Blog 16 [The Tell-All Edition]), add me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter and subscribe to me on Youtube. As always, don't believe in what they say. Don't believe in what I say. Believe in what I write. Until next time. Make sure you'll be there.
All of the Glory be to Allah SWT (God).
Faith. Follow that.
Frictional Blog.
